Introduction

Just makin' fun of myself and the thought ...just what would ol' Nick need me down there for anyway?????

A 'Loose Offer' (Lucifer....get it?)

Got my pole and went a-fishin' the other day,
in an old tobacco pond about a mile away.
Just to drown a few worms and enjoy the sun,
and avoid the old rat race that they make us run.
When up pops this character from outa the blue,
said, "Freddie boy, I got a deal for you."

"Lewis Saffier," he said was his name.
"And buyin' up souls is my claim to fame."
Then he shook my hand, his was sweaty and hot,
and he smiled like a salesman on a used car lot.
At first I thought this yahoo was just a joke,
then I noticed that his cologne smelled a lot like smoke.

"I'm here to make a deal, for you, a pure delight.
So you can come on down, cause the price is right."
"Fred, you don't look too stupid, so I'm sure you're aware,
that I'm in competition with that man up there.
I know eternal life is what he always flaunted,
but I can give you everything you ever wanted.

Riches, women, power..don't that have a good ring?
In exchange for your soul, why it's really no big thing.
And when you come down later, you will see.
That you'll be in the presence of good company.
This I'll tell you now, for whatever it's worth,
I've got every lawyer that ever walked on earth.

And to assure that you'll socialize with the best,
I've got every agent in the IRS.
Plus them self-righteous preachers, that you see on TV,
sayin' "I'll pray for you, but send your money to me."
While they carry on like they don't feel no shame.
All drippin' with riches and lustin' for fame."

"With their mansions and their lands in vast amounts,
a-rolling in their million dollar bank accounts.
Like Jimmy and Oral and that PTL guy, Jim.
Plus that crazy made-up wife who spent all that money with him.
And when their time comes, I'm willing to bet
I know where they'll be goin'- It's just they don't know yet."

"There's politicians galore. In their finest hour
they've sold their souls for recognition and power.
And the creme de la creme', (that's why I'm so chipper.)
I got Slick Willie, you know he's had that problem with his zipper.
They'll all be down there, and I just named a few,
but you know "old Nick" has taken an interest in you."

Then he waved his arms, "For you, a special treat"
And a chest of gold appeared right by my feet.
"I appreciate the offer, but don't you see,
when the tax man digs in, he'll leave nothin' for me."
He looked at me strangely, said "This won't do,
Freddie boy, I got just the thing for you."

He handed me a catalog, with his dark red hand.
There was women in that book from almost every land.
He said "Take your pick Freddie, you can even take two.
Whatever it takes, for me to win you."
Now a girl on each arm, that's a pleasant thought.
But I knew what kind of trouble that would've brought.

"Well, thank you, Mr. Satan, but I must refuse
For there's no one in here that I want to chose.
So take your old catalog, all steamy and hot,
I've got something better, this don't impress me a lot.
Now she's a older model, that's for sure.
And there's days that her temper is hard to endure."

"But she always stuck by me, no matter how bad
the situation got, or the problems we had.
She taught me lots of stuff, I never knew before.
And she never thought of quittin' or hittin' the door.
So please Mr. Devil, don't get mad..
But you ain't showed nothing close, to entice this lad."

Then he clenched his fist and mumbled to hisself,
then said" I still got one more thing on the shelf"
He then waved his hand, and the lightning tore,
while he uttered incantations from Egyptian lore.
With a dose of flame and some smoke, my friends,
there sat a brand new Mercedes Benz.

My mouth dropped open, man I was mute.
For I saw it was a convertible to boot.
With four on the floor, oh, it looked so fine
I knew I was gonna sign on that dotted line.
"One more thing," I said, "to complete this deal,
I don't like the color of the automobile."

Old devil, he just smiled, he knew he just got through.
"Red, Silver, Black, what ever color for you."
I said "The color fuchsia, is a favorite of mine.
With a gold plated trimming, and that will do just fine."
That's when he ripped off his horns and threw em on the ground.
Then he rambled to himself, while he spun himself around.

His eyes turned red, and he was pullin' out his hair.
He was throwing a tantrum that was really hard to bear.
Screaming out loud, he threw himself on the ground,
his feet were a kicking and his fists began to pound.
When he finally stood up, he said, "GOD, I need a break!
I've had my fill of your ignorance, it"s more than I can take!!"

"A FUCHSIA Mercedes, I should give to you??
There are some stupid things even the devil won't do.
What an UGLY color for a Mercedes Benz.
That's one means that don't justify the ends.
To think I'd had your soul to broil and singe,
but I'm beginning to think you're some lunatic fringe."

"You dumb idiot-this conversation is through.
and I hope I never meet another dumb plow boy like you.
You've tried my patience to the ninth degree.
You slow minded red neck, get away from me.
You go on to heaven for all I care.
No one wants your stupid country ass down there."

With a wave of his arm, more smoke and flame,
Old Nick disappeared , just the way he came.
When the smoke had cleared, I had kept my soul,
there was just me, and it, and my fishin' pole.
Well I sure miss that Mercedes but its just as well.
Cause I know I'd a drove it straight down into hell.

Well the hereafter don't scare me, quite like it used to do.
Cause I think my future is lined with heavenly blue.
I know I ain't much to brag about, but this I can say;
I'm so dumb I was rejected by the devil, one day.

05-07-1999

Copyright; Fred Moore
Email: fjmoore@hotmail.com