Introduction

Our boss is as tight as a frog's arse at 50 fathoms. Do you think this will embarrass him into tarting up our ladies loo? Fat Chance!

Carry On 'Round the Bend

The kitchen is situated next to the loo,
where colleagues gather to make a brew,
and even though you might think it absurd
we cringe at the thought of being heard

We put paper down first, we sit on the ledge
one of our cheeks hanging over the edge,
we whistle and sing, but the images stay
of guys in the kitchen shouting "Bombs away"

To mask the sound of 'air on the wing'
Emma will humm and warble and sing,
then all of a sudden you'll hear someone shout
"For Gods sake throw that bloody cat out"

The expelled air stinks but she's no fool
she steps from the cubicle looking cool
and sniffing her shoulder, now that's a neat trick
she blames the smell on baby sick.

One of the girls, oh go on then, its Claire
likes using a drier to blow dry her hair
now that's very naughty, and not what I said
she doesn't need to stand on head

Sandy complains "I have delicate skin,
the towels are rubbish and much too thin
and I get little bubbles that itch and sting
If I don't dry carefully under my ring"

A problem started when marvellous Marge
(her temper matches her size, very large)
screaming "how can I aim for that little hole"
she ripped the toilet seat right off the bowl

Now conjure a picture of the elegant Jan
elegantly perched upon the pan,
there's a sideways shift of the toilet seat
and she's elegantly peeing on her feet

Most of us gals are the modest type
don't bother with make-up or fashion, that's hype
but Caroline uses the mirror a lot
to study the pimples on her bot

She tells us the mirror is grubby and hazy
but we all think she's bloody crazy
she stares at her arse and thinks its ace
but then, it's much prettier than her face.

You'll often see Judi admiring her face
her make-up strewn all over the place
lipstick? Mascara? Don't make me howl
more like hammer, chisel and a plaster caked trowel.

The sink is dangerous with sharp bits of metal
which slice through skin, makes us reach for the Dettol
and imagine our horror when last Thursday
Yvonne was caught using it as a bidet

A soap dispenser would be to our taste
it would save all the mess, cut down on waste
"A nice smelling one would be a real treat"
says the lovely Catherine while washing her feet

"Its disgusting its filthy, its dingy and dark
I'd rather coupe down in the car park,
They should treat us like ladies, not potato pickers"
Kelly exclaimed while swilling her knickers

She sat in his office, this client from hell
a figure like Trigger in an Armani shell
and above a blouse of fucsia silk
there loomed a face that could curdle milk

But the meeting went well, our client impressed
she tidied her papers, he eyed her breast
she made her excuses to powder her nose
Grahams face blanched, he lost all repose

He thought of the seats and the sink with revulsion
he thought of the walls that needed emulsion
he thought of the grime and the grunge and the grot
and he wished that she could tie hers in a knot.

Some of the girls we've neglected to mention
Cos' we don't want to risk losing your attention
But we all agree, and it won't cost a mint
so for God's sake Graham, take a hint!!!

Copyright; Sandy Howe