Foetal Frolics

I wish I was a foetus
I never would be bored
Sitting in my uterus
Swinging on my cord.

To worry obstetricians
I'd be a proper beast
I'd change position on the hour
Transverse, oblique then breech.

To student midwives I'd present
A mystifying case
I'd hide myself inside the os
And leave an empty space.

I'd tie my cord into a knot
And wave it through the cervix
I'd give the midwives such a shock
And laugh off all my vernix.

And when my membranes rupture
I'd be a right old pest
Presenting large diameters
I'd transversely arrest.

I'd tell my pal placenta
To get himself detached
To theatre then the lot of us
Would pronto be dispatched.

And when they start to caesar
I'd laugh and think "Tee hee!'
When no-one else is looking
I'll come vaginally.

Copyright; Pauline Bryant