Introduction

I've often wondered what God did on squally Saturday afternoons when he was taking His ease in His garden shed. God is, of course, from the West Riding of Yorkshire, an area in Northern England - often referred to as God's country!

The following is how I, the poet(!) visualised that first Saturday afternoon in God's shed.

God and Adam

God yawned a great yawn. He was awesomely bored
After pottering around in His shed.
He considered the chaos that swirled all around
And thought: "It's time that summat got med!"

So he shouted: "Be still!" and the howling let up
As the winds and the tempests withdrew.
"By gum!" God declared and stared at the sky
And it promptly changed to bright blue.

"By the heck!" God remarked at this wondrous feat.
"Now I'll name that solid stuff 'ground'."
He made himself grass in orange . . . then green,
And He said: "It's a shame there's no-one around."

The Almighty looked about Him with His far-seeing eye.
There was still nothing but grass in His view.
So He created the rivers, and oceans, and seas,
And made mountains a purpley hue.

"I know what I'll do," God said to Himself,
"I'll make myself day-time and night."
And without further ado the night sky was dark
And the day was bathed in white light.

Next day, he conjured up the flowers and weeds
And magicked up bushes and trees.
And to make them look pretty with movement,
He made a light summer breeze.

Animals came next - a prodigious task.
But His mind was not on it - just half,
And because the Almighty was sleepy
We have the crocodile and the giraffe.

The elephant came next, the butterfly too,
Then the Vietnamese pot-bellied pig.
He created the mole, the louse, and the horse
And that spotted thingumajig!

Then God realised He'd neglected the sky
So He conjured up planets and stars,
And black holes, and quasars, and tons of red sand
That He threw on the landscape of Mars.

He put down His head and paused for a nap,
Then restarted brightly at noon,
By burying the bones of a tyrannosaur
And that monolith they found on the moon.

He stroked His grey beard and wondered "What next?"
So a man in His image He made.
A fine upstanding chap, and Adam's the name,
And they toasted themselves with champagne.

"Now then my lad, are you settling in?"
Asked God of His newest creation.
"I'll need a young wife, and something to eat,
And a manual on sexual relations!"

"Ey up," said God. "I'm the gaffer down here."
"You were," said Adam with a smile.
"Now get that mate of mine made, and fetch me some grub,
Then make yersen scarce for a while."

"By heck!" thought God. "What on earth have I done?
Paradise has got trouble and strife.
But I'll do as he asks, and grant him a mate.
Perhaps he'll settle down with a wife!"

"Shazam," shouted the Almighty, and stroked Adam's side
And Eve appeared in a puff of blue smoke.
She stood there, all naked, a wondrous sight.
God said: "She's too good for that spotty young bloke!"

"Here you are," said God, "The Garden of Eden,
"It's yours to use as you like,
"But whatever you do, you'd better not eat
"The fruit with the meaning of life."

Now Adam's young wife was a feisty young thing
And she fancied the fruit that was banned.
"Pass me that apple, and I'll give you a treat."
And she winked and offered Adam her hand.

"By heck!" thought Adam, "My luck's in tonight,"
And he leaned forward to give her a kiss.
That pretty lass thought: "He's under my spell.
"This chance is too good to miss!"

She allowed him a peck, then a cuddle, then more,
And she ardently set out to prove,
That when a young couple start off making love,
The earth can certainly move.

God returned to His shed to consider His deeds,
Hoping Adam and Eve get the hang
Of living their lives on this stupendous world
That they started off with a bang!

Copyright; Mike Wilson
Email: mikediane@tesco.net