Introduction

This was written a while ago as an exercise for a writing course. It made the tutor and the other course members laugh, so come on, force yourself. Prove you've got as much sense of humour as they have.

Life's a Bitch

When you're hanging on to the mountain side
And your nose gets a terrible itch,
That's the time you know for sure
That life's a bitch

When Ludwig lost his hearing -
When the good Lord struck him deaf,
He shouted the same word seventeen times
And the word began with F.

'Life's a bitch', screamed Ludwig.
'I'll drown me sorrows in wine.'
Then he dipped his quill in a bottle of hock
And wrote Symphony Number Nine

Now poets can see what other men can't
(They pronounce the word wind 'wined')
But Milton whined that he naught could see
When the good Lord struck him blind.

'Life's a bitch', quoth Milton,
'Now pleasures have I none.
When a man can't see what he's given for tea,
Oh, where had Paradise gone ?'

'Life's a bitch', said Boney,
'It really isn't nice
When you've marched to the gates of Moscow
And the Lord sends snow and ice.'

'We've got frostbite in our noses
And chilblains on our feet
And yet despit the frostbite
I still can smell defeat.'

These three, dogged by misfortune
Said, 'Life's a bitch I'm sure.
It will bite you on the ankle,
Be you rich or poor.'

I'll never be great or noble,
I'll never be grand or rich,
But I have to agree with the famous three -
Life, my friends, is a bitch.

Copyright; Ray Warrington