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Bodily Functions Poems |
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| A Longdrop Lament | Tony Parry | |||
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A Longdrop is an Aussie term for a toilet that is positioned over a deep hole (hence the 'long-drop') |
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| Art? | Gay Liddington | |||
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How does art relate to a bodily function? |
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| A Tragic Sneeze | DrWryme | |||
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This is another explanation of why I sit at home nights.. |
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| Beauty & The Beast | Jacqueline H. Bridle | |||
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.I've got a little problem and I know I'm not alone As I travel around the mayhem of the beauty revival zone. No it's not the wrinkles that crinkle around my eyes, Or grey hairs, for I have an assortment of cream and dyes. |
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| Big Bad Poo | Mark Feldman | |||
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This poem/song was the deliberate act of a very sick, sad, perverse mind at 3.00 AM in the morning on a very dark night. An equally perverted friend who shall remain nameless at this point in time had inspired it and asked me to complete the song as a joke. Unfortunately for the general public, I did complete the song and have performed it by request at various comedy venues. To my complete shocked surprise and horror, it has become a popular item on the agenda. I include it here so that maybe some others can learn it and perform it and save my singing voice for the lower bowels of anonymity where it belongs. |
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| Bogey | Bethany Brown | |||
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The appeal of nose-picking whilst bored... |
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| Bullocks | Harvey Dux | |||
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The things a farmer has to go through to make a living!. |
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| Country Kids | Paolo | |||
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Geez ow' ya' go'in darlin' Luv ya' in those pants....... |
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| Creative Expression | Gay Liddington | |||
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Who did that? |
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| Dad's in the Bathroom | Albert Van Hoogmoed | |||
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Dad's in the bathroom! Turn on the fan! .... |
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| OMIGOD | Bee Rawlinson | |||
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This was written for a friend who had a terrible shock one morning....... |
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Failing
Health 
(Ex Top Ten) |
Brian Bell | |||
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I heard about an older, widowed lady. This energetic woman loved to dance but underneath her rapture something shady had sought the Doctor, such was circumstance. |
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| Gastric Air Retention! | Amin Sane | |||
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How a slight expulsion of air can be such a relief. |
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| Hankies | Madeleine Steinhardt | |||
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Hankies are revolting! There - I've said it and it's fact! To blow your nose and pocket it Is not a genteel act.... |
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| I'm Pissed Off! | Gay Liddington | |||
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I'm pissed off about GST and having to pee in the middle of the night... |
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| Insomnia | Jay | |||
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It's two a.m. and I'm wide awake. Nary a wink for heaven's sake. |
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| Intestinal Fortitude | Maggie Lauer | |||
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When I itch for you and hunger so from yearning, you're like Preparation H to soothe the burning... |
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| Itchy
(Ex Top Ten)
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Marco Gliori | |||
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An itch to be scratched - A lust unmatched - An empty bed - "Let's go!" she said.... |
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| It’s Somethin’ In Me Genes | Charlee Marshall | |||
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I wuz down in Brisbane Frid’y week an’ went ter see the quack... I reckon it wuz time to take it easy; I don’t want you people thinkin’ I’m a hy-pro-chon-diac But jus’ lately I bin feelin’ kinda queasy;.... |
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| It's Time | Arcadia Flynn | |||
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I'm thirty six and single Children? not a one "Half your luck"...I hear you say, "I'll bet you're having fun!" ... |
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| Methane Mary | Tom Hampstead | |||
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Dr. Watson got a call, Anonymous, of course, He couldn't recognize it, But it was mean, and hoarse.... |
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| Mysophobia | Stephen Cree | |||
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There are thousands of recognised phobias that make life hell for...... |
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| Not This Time, Moriarty | Tad Lawson | |||
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Dr. Watson got a call, Anonymous, of course, He couldn't recognize it, But it was mean, and hoarse.... |
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| Our New Bed | Heather Densley | |||
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I think it's time, my husband said, For us to buy a brand new bed. "I reckon a mattress and base are the go, So let's go and see just what is on show." .... |
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| Out Of My Mind | Royce Koon | |||
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Beneath my brow a thought somehow ran off its track and won't come back... |
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| Party Time! | Robert Atkerson | |||
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Let's party and see what happens after eatin' beans and drinkin' beer! |
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| Piddlin' Pete | Jo Anderson | |||
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A farmer's dog came into town, His Christian name was Pete. A noble pedigree he had,.... |
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| Random Thoughts on Passing Gas | Pete Graf | |||
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Silent but deadly, flatulation never fails to grab you. |
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| Rear Pressure | Michelle Wong | |||
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A young man's attempt to gain acceptance among his peers by farting. |
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| Self Defence | Janine Haig | |||
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She was being tried for murder "It was self defence", she claimed, "Circumstances happened And I really can't be blamed". The jury listened closely: ..... |
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| Smudges Recipe | Lindsay Steinhardt | |||
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How many bad batches of home brew have you made? No where near as many as my mate Smudge. You may never brew again! |
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| Snoring | Nicole Braganza | |||
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You must wonder where this betides, this all free entertaining. Look no further dear, these hits, are the wonders of snoring... |
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| The Breadbasket Of The World | Anita V. | |||
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This started as a funplay with words. Somebody said:"I'll loaf around for the rest of the night". It seem to have become funnyserious. |
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| The Childbirth Demon | Neil O'Hara-Smith | |||
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My wife gave birth last night, But Jesus what a fuss!... . |
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| The Flatulence Tax | John O'Neill | |||
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A flatulence tax on cattle and sheep, Another rip-off to make us all weep. Preserving the ozone at any expense, It's all propaganda that doesn't make sense. |
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The
Indian & The Paper
(Ex Top Ten) |
Mark Feldman | |||
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Of all the accents among the peoples of the world, one of my very favourite is Indian. So it was that I had to tell the story of a poor gentleman who had travelled from Calcutta to the Woodford Folk Festival, but found ill-fortune with a certain product he had purchased at the supplies store. |
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| The Killer Crap | Gina Grain | |||
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This poem was penned at the tender age of 17 after my first few experiences of many beers then a curry... the rest, as they say, is history..!! |
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| The Lost Chance | James Tamarac | |||
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It took me three weeks to build up the steam. To speak to the woman I see in my dreams. She's beautiful, humorous, smart, caring. And every day I catch myself staring. |
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| The
Piddlers Lament
(Ex Top Ten) |
John Rogers | |||
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I'm piddl'n and paus'n and paus'n and piddl'n And then I'm a-paus'n once more It's three in the morn'n, I'll be back before dawn'n And I'll walk that cold lavat'ry floor... |
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| To Stand or To Squat | Gareth Marples | |||
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Are you a man? Do you do manly things? Do you act manly in the bathroom with no regard for your wonderful wife? Read on and see where you fit in....and show you wife how much you love her! |
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| Trumpet Trousers | Jules Gooles | |||
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Read about a girl named Julia who couldn't control her flatulence... |
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| Turnips | Stephen Cree | |||
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Turnip feast! Turnip feast! Bastock stuffs a gut full... |
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| Uncle Joe | Tara Leonard | |||
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Uncle Joe has a stutter A funny kind of sound: T -t -t - ta, t -t -t - ta R - r - r - ra, r - r - r - ra .... |
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| Venus in Jodhpurs | Ephraim Crud | |||
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I were stood in a clearin' dreamily endearin' to the antics of two little birds who were puddlin' and preenin' |
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| Warm Comfort | Peter C Friis | |||
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To blow a fart Is good for the heart.... |
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| West Emissions | Dorothy B. West | |||
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Burps and farts, burps and farts ... They send sky-high the Greenhouse charts. While cows serenely chew the cud And broadcast gases in a flood,... |
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All
poetry is copyright by the individual authors.
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