My father has recently given me the keys to the family flat in Budapest, Hungary. I sent him this poem to show my appreciation...

Americans have so little time to work!

My sweetie's going to Africa He leaves on Friday night I've told him…have a real good time As he prepares for flight I'll be alright! ....

The continuing story of young Albert Ramsbottom and some people he met on a trip to Blackpool.

There's a saying said when things go wrong, and go wrong more and more, It's said the most by fatalists - they call it 'Murphy's Law'.

You've rung the Melbourne offices of No-One's Ever Here; Please leave your name and number and then kindly disappear.

London Undergound, famous for its overcrowding, its delays and its breakdowns. As a Scot living and working in the English capital, to me it's one of the things that most make me yearn for the clean skies of home.

You cop no chop when you're a thong; No great deeds done and no great song. Is sung as you flip-flop along, Just another cheapo thong.

I've just seen 'Pride and Prejudice', but feel no great compunction To swan around a vicarage, with tea and cakes for luncheon; Though buying oil from Saudis, we decline to put their robes on, And as for German influence - do you wear lederhosen? ...

I submitted this to a radio competition in response to a request for limericks about the flag.

A bit of light hearted fun poked at city slickers posing as bushies...

The original version of "Waltzing Matilda"!!!

Some people in North Queensland (Australia) love having tourists visit them so much, that they tell them this tale...

As my heart sings a country song, I brave the yearly August throng, with pioneering instincts strong to where the bushmen are; ...

I used to live in Texas Why don't I now, you wonder? Well now I guess I must confess I made a fatal blunder.

I'm deeply offended , I'm shaking with rage. You've published 'Gay Farmhand', despite the 'New Age'

When it's all said 'n done, with yer life nearly gone, and on thinkin' yer past mistakes over, Tho' drinkin's no sin, it's what y'pour in, and I think I would rather stay sober.

All us Aussies knew the Poms had this disease all the time!

You leave him alone you fat lazy tart

Young Paddy worked as a builder's lad, He was a bit simple ..... and everyone knew; ......

G'day cobber Bill's the name How 'ya goin mate I had to run to catch this bus Strewth i can't be late.......

A Pa. town is keeping a secret about one of our country's National Icons! How long have we as Americans been kept in the dark? Read about how, on that fateful day in February, their nasty little secret suddenly becomes exposed!

There was once two Irish labouring men; to England they came over; They tramped about in search of work from Liverpool to Dover.

So you're the mob got all the rain while we got hardly none; The clouds massed over your place and left us with the sun. Your bit of sky grew darker, while we just got the heat -

A nationality crisis.

It's not too different ... way down here The sun's a bit hotter ... It's a good drop 'o beer It's not too way out ... in a strange sort of way ...

there's hippies & yuppies & greenies and hippies & yuppies & greenies... and hippies & yuppies & greenies & Kooris & junkies & drinkies, ...

One of the strange people I met......

My wife Mabel has a confession to make about our ten kids and her infidelity. Written in Lancahire dialect (Lanky speak)

Aussies are tried 'n true yarn spinners, even the best of 'em can get their comeuppance.

I have often wondered why English writers follow American spellings.

The Aussie male as a romantic? You be the judge.

Have you ever plowed with a mule, especially one that should have been an extra in " The Exorcist" .......well I have.....and I just barely lived to tell about it. A coutry boy's tale of barnyard horror!!!

Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital....

What can I do with 'Enry?

I want to go to Scotland I want to find a man with hairy legs and chest and face no blond, blue eyes and tan with muscles on his muscles a strapping kind of lad with kilt and great big sporran that would make me glad! ....

Black Pudding With Haggis and Egg, ...

They had issued him a warrant which they had in light of current Knowledge, sent to where he's holed up in Majorca on his arse, He was fleeing from a debt, about the size of the alphabet So Vanstone got in touch with 'Skasey, of The Overdraft'...

There is nothing like the English language to not only confuse our enemies but we Anglophones as well...and that, my friends includeth, the nephews and nieces of Uncle Sam.

A topical poem (submitted in spring, anyway) about the "dark side" of many people's favourite season.

Well you might think that travelling in the bush is the way to go But there's pros and cons in everything and there's something you should know...

When I walked into the Barber Shop, the Barber was a different gent I saw the sign on the wall which read "Under New Management"...

I'll tell of the Battle of Hastings, As happened in days long gone by, When Duke William became King of England, And 'arold got shot in the eye. ...

He's standing there with pie and sauce And dribbling in a Four-X beer, His beer-gut is on show of course, He relives days out hunting deer ...

Here is a Doric poem. This is the dialect that used to be spoken in Aberdeenshire.

Having been a keen bush cook for many a long day when camped out up in the mountains or wherever the swag may be rolled, it was proba-bly almost inevitable that a poem would be written about that most wondrous of Aussie tucker, the damper.

Doctor Foster went to Gloucester in a shower of rain, He didn't want to go there but got hooked up by a crane! ...

An Italian family that lives near me had a welcome addition to their family And for miles around with vino and grins happy folk celebrated the birth of twins. ...

A bushranger was in need of a fast horse. Normally he would have stolen one of course. But this time he heard about a really fast thoroughbred. Which was owned by a minister of the church instead. ...

Our land-sharks are all Greenies, Our kids don't run amuck, We print no tales of fire or flood, They hurt the tourist buck

Though England and America Are so together hung It's often said we're separated By a common tongue.

I reckon it'd go down well, even at the Glasgow Empire, cos it relates to a time when they didn't so much make bagpipes as catch 'em.

I wonder if aliens ever take vacations or holidays?

Bobbing along in my boat on the bay, Enjoying a beautiful, nautical day, When just about to hoist the sail, I came face to face with a very large whale....

We would lie there with the candle flickering, making shadows and shapes on the wall and we'd play at trying to find faces on the damp patches that we saw.

Hi waitress, excuse me a minute, now listen, I'm not finding fault, but here, Miss, The 'taters look gradely... the beef is a'reet, But what kind of pudden is this? ...

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