Flirting in English Tea Rooms is frowned upon apparently....

How can I compare your beauty to other faces? You seduce me in the sunshine unashamedly, knowing I cannot look away....

I'll start a new one Monday", we've heard it all before, but if I don't really start one soon I won't make it through the door. I start with good intentions of that I can't deny, I'm getting fatter by the hour, I'll really have to try.

Have you eaten out at a take-away? Whether it be fish or chips that you have; And have you ever spared a thought... For that poor old ... battered sav.

This poem/song was the deliberate act of a very sick, sad, perverse mind at 3.00 AM in the morning on a very dark night. An equally perverted friend who shall remain nameless at this point in time had inspired it and asked me to complete the song as a joke. Unfortunately for the general public, I did complete the song and have performed it by request at various comedy venues. To my complete shocked surprise and horror, it has become a popular item on the agenda. I include it here so that maybe some others can learn it and perform it and save my singing voice for the lower bowels of anonymity where it belongs.

Mary had a little lamb, a little toast, a little jam,...

A witty poem having to do with puns and different meanings for the same words. It's like to change your ideas on drumsticks :)

I had dinner with my sweetie At his home the other night I knew he’d make a special treat At least I hoped he might...

Doughnuts-- a marvel of the art of pastry! Who would have thought women all over the world would spoil their diets for this measly hunk of fried dough. "Happy I leave with doughnuts in my hands!" It's a war-cry for celulite-carrying women everywhere!

Searching for my long lost love I'd inch across the plate...

How does a health obsessed person say grace at the table? Considering all the new fangled microbes invading our world....try this....

I wish I was a donut And get eaten every day To stick on someone's fingers In a most delightful way....

Oh thou frankfurt between a bun, Why dost thou cause me so much fun? I love thee for breakfast for lunch and for tea I love thee in between times, constantly.

NOW THEY'RE TELLING US HOW TO EAT!!!

Poems about food are best served HOT!

Cauldrons of fun! Witch meal will you have!

Sweeney was a barber In Fleet Street near the Strand Cocksure was his nature And Cockney was his brand.....

Marijuana has been known to temporarily impair immediate memory.

Let's party and see what happens after eatin' beans and drinkin' beer!

Now comes that dreaded time of year: Sadistic neighbors reappear ...

Black Pudding With Haggis and Egg, ...

It's a lovely summer's day and 23 of your neighbours decide to get the barbie going....

This is based on an old Cannibal/Missionary joke.

Having been a keen bush cook for many a long day when camped out up in the mountains or wherever the swag may be rolled, it was proba-bly almost inevitable that a poem would be written about that most wondrous of Aussie tucker, the damper.

Now I'm a pizza-driver I drive them as a job What really pizzas me off Is the pizza eating mob. The first one is the tourist A likely place to start ...

'Twas just on dark upon the edge of a quiet country town, two swagmen came a-tramping down the street; ....

To The Manager Flinging toasters ...

Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

I love spaghetti bolognaise If people don't mind sharing it. The only problem with it is I always end up wearing it. ...

Hi waitress, excuse me a minute, now listen, I'm not finding fault, but here, Miss, The 'taters look gradely... the beef is a'reet, But what kind of pudden is this? ...

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