A Friday night at The Ferret & Newt

These are just some of the things your mum told you when you were little.

This grasshopper had a really bad day! Read about why he was hopping mad!

I've just seen 'Pride and Prejudice', but feel no great compunction To swan around a vicarage, with tea and cakes for luncheon; Though buying oil from Saudis, we decline to put their robes on, And as for German influence - do you wear lederhosen? ...

Should you behold Banana Zoo you're sure of a big surprise for there you'll see Ken Kangaroo....

When life has dealt you an unfair hand, and you feel like you've really been cheated...

Where have all the biros gone? - Silently, swiftly passing - Where have all the biros gone? Designate them, consecrate them, Tether, tie, glue or screw them down.

The booze bus was out on a traffic attack. One driver was clear, till a spirited cop, having noticed some knives on the seat in the back, said "These are the weapons we're trying to stop!"

I like dandelions. They got guts.

Jack is asked to help out at the zoo in an unusual way

Me earliest recollection is the smell of rottin' cabbage .....

It mostly happens at night, I'm sorry to say

You run into them everyday and everywhere but, most of the time you run into them, when you don't have the time to exchange or be pleasant.

.If you don't play with someone else then don't play with them at all; take people's insides and not their outsides; always double check things; never work if you're not getting paid;......

Lost my weenie...

If I am schizophrenic, it's a trial I can weather... I'm in the best of company when I'm alone together.

When life smacks you in the face with a wet fish, as you say "Life's a bitch", remember these verses and hopefully they will help you to smile a little.

face value/second mortgage/third party insurance fourth dimension/fifth column/six sex shops seven slow commercials/8 bells for old Kuwait (bombs away) nine mutant ninja bloody turtles & 10 commandments (oh yeah?)....

Little Jimmy Tattersall A small time, petty criminal Began his life of crime before, He'd reached the tender age of four....

It had been a long day. My children were playing a marble game (something like 'hungry hippo" but with frogs). After the 20th "Mommy, I lost my marbles" I finally lost mine.

An undying friendship. From his book 'Inert Activity'

On the endless ochre plain under bursting slaty skies A bushman hefted up his swag, to heaven when his cries.....

The tale of a man who made the singular error in life to trust a lawyer.....and the man he told the tale to.

This is it! Let the revolution begin. Down with too much 'Politically Correctness'. I wrote this poem as a parody on PC in answer to someone taking me to task for using a term of endearment all very, very innocent and funny I hope.

Thinking will help your brain to grow, And if it's not growing, it's shrinking.

Tape up the windows, tie down loose ends All weather reports this warning sends....

At times I have to tell a tale, Some call it just a lie....

Well you might think that travelling in the bush is the way to go But there's pros and cons in everything and there's something you should know...

I wrote this on a day when I was angry with my boss. It helped.

Annie was an mountain bear; Buelis was a goat; Carlos was a Mexican boy; Deidre was a dope. ...

This just goes to show that riding a bicycle is a really bad idea when I'm around!!.

A pest Im'd me today....

I strike a thinking pose to draw the burden from my chest, and tangle in the cobwebs borne through lack of stimuli and zest, you see, I'm unemployed, I have no hook on which to hang my hat, I'm now soaking up the days and nights like the average family cat. ...

There's a famous seaside town called Blackpool, That's noted for fresh air and fun, And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom Went there with young Albert, their son...

Remember cutting up small animals in high school biology class? What about the kid who never wanted to do it?

In a big coastal city they built a huge computer. The man in charge of the department, a straight shooter. Invited the lord mayor and some others too. For a grand viewing, to show what it could do....

I've been grocery shopping for fifty years, and I usually manage it well, but last week I shopped, let me fill your ears at the supermarket from hell.....

The reason for all this excitement, I found, as I walked to the door, was the launch of their "Satellite Trolley" which guides shoppers all round the store.

Our job was to get" the scratchings" ready for their final flight, In the steerage class compartment of the angels' satellite, And Maxie, our technician, was waiting, "Brahms and Liszt", ...

I don't recall ever seeing a 'three wishes' tale in limerick form... so now we have one.

How cats earned the other seven lives is your guess!

Buy now to avoid disappointment! Satisfaction guaranteed!

For anyone who doesn't like flies

Who did you say you were? King of the world! Oh, I'm so sorry sir You're no longer of any use here Jake the fake with the extra leg Stalker with a stalk ...

The long years took their toll on Jim until the joyful day that all his workmates cornered him and one was heard to say "Our syndicate's won lotto, mate....

It happens every morning and I'm not sure that I like it.

Computer & toilet problems, might as well have writer's block...........