She whispered "will it hurt me?" "Of course not" answered he "It's a very simple process, You can rely on me."

A prayer was answered, but unfortunately, misunderstood.

During a long distance phone call to a friend in South america, the subject of men, relationships and love arose. My friend said (in her thick accent) "Don't worry darlink...all you need is 'appiness" I think this is what she meant….

Told from a woman's perspective, this poem introduces Marlene, an outwardly respectable woman with a dark secret!

At Xmas time when we were kids, we were bloody poor, and Santa weren't too generous when he knocked upon our door....

I was sat in the bath, counting my legs and soaping my naughty bits...

I've got a little problem and I know I'm not alone As I travel around the mayhem of the beauty revival zone. No it's not the wrinkles that crinkle around my eyes, Or grey hairs, for I have an assortment of cream and dyes.

This poem/song was the deliberate act of a very sick, sad, perverse mind at 3.00 AM in the morning on a very dark night. An equally perverted friend who shall remain nameless at this point in time had inspired it and asked me to complete the song as a joke. Unfortunately for the general public, I did complete the song and have performed it by request at various comedy venues. To my complete shocked surprise and horror, it has become a popular item on the agenda. I include it here so that maybe some others can learn it and perform it and save my singing voice for the lower bowels of anonymity where it belongs.

Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble Mine just stay still in one place In the breast hall of fame You won't see my name For my boobs there would be a disgrace ...

I'd to stay at Tiffany Dungworth's house for a couple of weeks last year -she kept unusual pets: a louse......

Our boss is as tight as a frog's arse at 50 fathoms. Do you think this will embarrass him into tarting up our ladies loo? Fat Chance!

All I want for Christmas is a pair of nice young men, A football team . League or Union . I don't mind, ...

I had dinner with my sweetie At his home the other night I knew he’d make a special treat At least I hoped he might...

Early Morning Jog

Well I have survived my second morning of jogging. "But the lungs aren't what they used to be, my esophagus is tighter than my arse."

They stood on the bridge over the river K Y at its estuary to the Ovulant Sea...

“Do you know...what day it is?” “Nope”...said my beau. “What's today?” “Well! If you can't remember”, I cried “I'm not gonna say. Well aren't you gonna ask me?” I insisted with a few tears. “Alright”, he said...”you're fifty today... and you have been for three or four years”...

I am a desexed pussy cat, they took me to the vet, Because I got all horny, but I never got one yet. The female cats around me just hissed and scratched my face, And my owners got annoyed with me when I hissed around the place. ....

It goes in dry, it comes out wet, the longer it's in the stronger it gets ...

I'm thirty six and single Children? not a one "Half your luck"...I hear you say, "I'll bet you're having fun!" ...

This is just a bit of cheerful vulgarity to bring a (possibly reluctant) smile to your lips.

A tale of young love and raging hormones.

They'll stunt your growth, your breath will humm like the air expelled from Satans' bum ...

Life is just another sexually transmitted disease

All scenes depicted in this poem are true representations of actual events (Really. It's my SHORT-term memory that's stuffed.)

She took it round the corner to teach it how to....

Well isn't this cosy Miss Fishwick? It's a shame that it's just you and I.....

But slowly she spread her legs apart.....

You're the train inside my tunnel You're the finger in my glove You're the gear stick in my gearbox My god this must be love….

There's always some real interesting twists and turns to ranch life, but here's one that that really takes the cake.

Just what do mums find under their young sons' beds?

This poem has it all, passion, romance, mystery, intrigue and even a little animal magnetism! How can you resist?

Mary had a little lamb. It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's a.......

You turn me on, you handsome hunk With your sunken, hairless chest In your skinny white arms I feel safe from all harm Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! ...

Oh Thong - Oh Thong Why do you feel so wrong?

.You know what it's like? you're home alone..You have this..um..urge..to..Well, you call her, and she's happy...she's very happy to hear your voice.

When I was a little boy Snuggled safe in bed They said I should play with my soldiers..

Silent but deadly, flatulation never fails to grab you.

I want to go to Scotland I want to find a man with hairy legs and chest and face no blond, blue eyes and tan with muscles on his muscles a strapping kind of lad with kilt and great big sporran that would make me glad! ....

Square dancing has become very popular in the past couple of years, so I think it is time that everyone gets up on the floor, and does it MY way! So take your partners by the hand and.......

Last Sunday our pastor, the Right Rev'rend Wickham, Said, "As for guest speakers, I know how to pick 'em! The ladies, most surely, will come in vast numbers; Don't worry, however, I know where to stick 'em."

He laid her on the table So white, clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat....

Now I'm old and feeble, And my pilot light is out, What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout...

For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests......

As I stick my sweaty arm up the vagina of a cow ... ... I think of your moist, warm lips ... and wish you were here now. The warm and friendly feeling of a cow turd on the ground ... ... Reminds me of your gentle warmth I feel all year 'round.

Ok, I will admit it, no, I am not very deep So I do not understand much in this life! ...

Do you believe in fairies? Well this poem is about a man who did and what happened when he made his wish.

Of all the accents among the peoples of the world, one of my very favourite is Indian. So it was that I had to tell the story of a poor gentleman who had travelled from Calcutta to the Woodford Folk Festival, but found ill-fortune with a certain product he had purchased at the supplies store.

(Everyone's met this person at some time during their life)

(Everyone's met this person at some time during their life)

I was booked to have a mammogram, on a bus that comes around. I waited ten minutes at the stop outside the football ground....

Excuse me! - excuse me! - excuse me!!! Yes it was that T.V. commercial that said...Pap Smears are the answer, Have one now, get one quick, and you won't get cervical cancer.

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an uppercrust family -- well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu".

If women had udders and cows had breasts What would be shown in The Sun?

"...In thy tend'rest fingers a prick."

"...In thy tend'rest fingers a prick."