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Be Warned! Some of the rude poems in this category contain language that may be (are) offensive to some people. Please read these rude poems at your own risk! |
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A Naughty Little Poem | Author Unknown | ||
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She whispered "will it hurt me?" "Of course not" answered he "It's a very simple process, You can rely on me." |
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| Answered Prayer | Laurel Kirkwood | |||
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A prayer was answered, but unfortunately, misunderstood. |
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| Appiness | Arcadia Flynn | |||
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During a long distance phone call to a friend in South america, the subject of men, relationships and love arose. My friend said (in her thick accent) "Don't worry darlink...all you need is 'appiness" I think this is what she meant…. |
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| A Sportin' Life | Steve Morris | |||
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Told from a woman's perspective, this poem introduces Marlene, an outwardly respectable woman with a dark secret! |
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| At Christmas Time | Bruce Thompson | |||
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At Xmas time when we were kids, we were bloody poor, and Santa weren't too generous when he knocked upon our door.... |
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| Bath Time | Stephen Cree | |||
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I was sat in the bath, counting my legs and soaping my naughty bits... |
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| Beauty & The Beast | Jacqueline H Bridle | |||
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I've got a little problem and I know I'm not alone As I travel around the mayhem of the beauty revival zone. No it's not the wrinkles that crinkle around my eyes, Or grey hairs, for I have an assortment of cream and dyes. |
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| Big Bad Poo | Mark Feldman | |||
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This poem/song was the deliberate act of a very sick, sad, perverse mind at 3.00 AM in the morning on a very dark night. An equally perverted friend who shall remain nameless at this point in time had inspired it and asked me to complete the song as a joke. Unfortunately for the general public, I did complete the song and have performed it by request at various comedy venues. To my complete shocked surprise and horror, it has become a popular item on the agenda. I include it here so that maybe some others can learn it and perform it and save my singing voice for the lower bowels of anonymity where it belongs. |
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Boobs 
(Ex Top Ten) |
Arcadia Flynn | |||
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Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble Mine just stay still in one place In the breast hall of fame You won't see my name For my boobs there would be a disgrace ... |
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| Breakfast at Tiffany's | Ephraim Crud | |||
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I'd to stay at Tiffany Dungworth's house for a couple of weeks last year -she kept unusual pets: a louse...... |
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| Carry On 'Round the Bend | Sandy Howe | |||
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Our boss is as tight as a frog's arse at 50 fathoms. Do you think this will embarrass him into tarting up our ladies loo? Fat Chance! |
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| Dear Santa | Robyn Scott | |||
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All I want for Christmas is a pair of nice young men, A football team . League or Union . I don't mind, ... |
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| Dinner
At Sweetie's
(Ex Top Ten) |
Arcadia Flynn | |||
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I had dinner with my sweetie At his home the other night I knew he’d make a special treat At least I hoped he might... |
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| The Guru | ||||
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Well I have survived my second morning of jogging. "But the lungs aren't what they used to be, my esophagus is tighter than my arse." |
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| Family Planning | Stephen Cree | |||
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They stood on the bridge over the river K Y at its estuary to the Ovulant Sea... |
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Fifty
Something
(Ex Top Ten) |
Shirley Friend | ||
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“Do you know...what day it is?” “Nope”...said my beau. “What's today?” “Well! If you can't remember”, I cried “I'm not gonna say. Well aren't you gonna ask me?” I insisted with a few tears. “Alright”, he said...”you're fifty today... and you have been for three or four years”... |
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| I Am A De-sexed Pussy Cat | Jacqueline H. Bridle | |||
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I am a desexed pussy cat, they took me to the vet, Because I got all horny, but I never got one yet. The female cats around me just hissed and scratched my face, And my owners got annoyed with me when I hissed around the place. .... |
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| It Goes in Dry, It Comes Out Wet | Stacey Brannon | |||
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It goes in dry, it comes out wet, the longer it's in the stronger it gets ... |
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| It's Time | Arcadia Flynn | |||
| I'm thirty six and single Children? not a one "Half your luck"...I hear you say, "I'll bet you're having fun!" ... |
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| Jumper | Vulgarian | |||
| This is just a bit of cheerful vulgarity to bring a (possibly reluctant) smile to your lips. |
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| Knee Trembling | Dustnomi | |||
| A tale of young love and raging hormones. |
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| Last Drag | Sandy | |||
| They'll stunt your growth, your breath will humm like the air expelled from Satans' bum ... |
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| Life | Adrian Wilson | |||
| Life is just another sexually transmitted disease |
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| Mammaories of Birth | Vince Venero | |||
| All scenes depicted in this poem are true representations of actual events (Really. It's my SHORT-term memory that's stuffed.) |
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| Mary had a Duck | Skye Tepas | |||
| She took it round the corner to teach it how to.... |
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| Miss Fishwick's Office Blues | Steve Morris | |||
| Well isn't this cosy Miss Fishwick? It's a shame that it's just you and I..... |
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| My First Time | Michelle Wise | |||
| But slowly she spread her legs apart..... |
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| My Phallic Lover | Arcadia Flynn | |||
| You're the train inside my tunnel You're the finger in my glove You're the gear stick in my gearbox My god this must be love…. |
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| My Gilded Filly | Travis Brasell | |||
| There's always some real interesting twists and turns to ranch life, but here's one that that really takes the cake. |
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| Nearly | Topoke | |||
| Just what do mums find under their young sons' beds? |
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| Nothing Is Quite What It Seems! | Nikki Barker | |||
| This poem has it all, passion, romance, mystery, intrigue and even a little animal magnetism! How can you resist? |
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| Naughty Nursery Rhymes | Author Unknown | |||
| Mary had a little lamb. It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's a....... |
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Only You! | Arcadia Flynn | ||
| You turn me on, you handsome hunk With your sunken, hairless chest In your skinny white arms I feel safe from all harm Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! ... |
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O' Thong | Darlene Lane | ||
| Oh Thong - Oh Thong Why do you feel so wrong? |
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| Phone Games | BarBaRa (The Essesce) Brickland | |||
| .You know what it's like? you're home alone..You have this..um..urge..to..Well, you call her, and she's happy...she's very happy to hear your voice. |
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| Private
Play
(Ex Top Ten) |
Alan Corkish | |||
| When I was a little boy Snuggled safe in bed They said I should play with my soldiers.. |
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| Random Thoughts on Passing Gas | Pete Graf | |||
| Silent but deadly, flatulation never fails to grab you. |
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| Scotland
(Ex Top Ten)
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Arcadia Flynn | |||
| I want to go to Scotland I want to find a man with hairy legs and chest and face no blond, blue eyes and tan with muscles on his muscles a strapping kind of lad with kilt and great big sporran that would make me glad! .... |
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| Square Dance Time | Topoke | |||
| Square dancing has become very popular in the past couple of years, so I think it is time that everyone gets up on the floor, and does it MY way! So take your partners by the hand and....... |
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| Tending The Flock | Travis Brasell | |||
| Last Sunday our pastor, the Right Rev'rend Wickham, Said, "As for guest speakers, I know how to pick 'em! The ladies, most surely, will come in vast numbers; Don't worry, however, I know where to stick 'em." |
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| Thanksgiving Day | Author Unknown | |||
| He laid her on the table So white, clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat.... |
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| That For The Blokes | Aaron Johnson | ||
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Now I'm old and feeble, And my pilot light is out, What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout... |
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| The Boob Poem | Author Unknown | ||
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For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests...... |
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| The Bush Romantic | Mark Feldman | ||
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As I stick my sweaty arm up the vagina of a cow ... ... I think of your moist, warm lips ... and wish you were here now. The warm and friendly feeling of a cow turd on the ground ... ... Reminds me of your gentle warmth I feel all year 'round. |
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| The Clone Wars | MasterRevelation | ||
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Ok, I will admit it, no, I am not very deep So I do not understand much in this life! ... |
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| The Fairy At The Bottom Of Our Street | John G. Sutton | ||
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Do you believe in fairies? Well this poem is about a man who did and what happened when he made his wish. |
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The
Indian & The Paper
(Ex Top Ten)
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Mark Feldman | ||
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Of all the accents among the peoples of the world, one of my very favourite is Indian. So it was that I had to tell the story of a poor gentleman who had travelled from Calcutta to the Woodford Folk Festival, but found ill-fortune with a certain product he had purchased at the supplies store. |
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| The Lousy Rotten Bastard! | Jacqueline H Bridle | ||
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(Everyone's met this person at some time during their life) |
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| The Lousy Rotten Bastard! | Jacqueline H Bridle | ||
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(Everyone's met this person at some time during their life) |
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| The
Mammagram
(Ex Top Ten) |
Shirley Friend | ||
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I was booked to have a mammogram, on a bus that comes around. I waited ten minutes at the stop outside the football ground.... |
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| The Pap Smear | Jacqueline H Bridle | ||
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Excuse me! - excuse me! - excuse me!!! Yes it was that T.V. commercial that said...Pap Smears are the answer, Have one now, get one quick, and you won't get cervical cancer. |
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| Timbuktu
(Ex Top Ten) |
Author Unknown | ||
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The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an uppercrust family -- well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu". |
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| Udders | Stephen Cree | ||
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If women had udders and cows had breasts What would be shown in The Sun? |
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| Waxing Lyrical | John Lowery | ||
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"...In thy tend'rest fingers a prick." |
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| William's Warning | Travis Brasell | ||
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"...In thy tend'rest fingers a prick." |
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All
poetry is copyright by the individual authors.
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