Funny Poems

Introduction

I was in the back room of the Clubhouse Hotel sipping my coke. I leant across to the truck driver and yelled to be heard above the crowded bar. "What do you reckon it would take to shut this lot up?" "I don't know," he said bemused. This poem did it! I gave Angie the barmaid a half glass of water and asked her to throw it in my face when I asked her. "Are you going to take the mickey out of me again?" she asked. "Yes!" She did it anyway. Once I was wet I asked aloud, "Angie, have you been peeing in the pool again?" Then I finished the poem>

Me Swimmin' Days

I think it's safe to say
I'm built for comfort, not for speed
But swimmin' for Australia
I've always felt the need

I got used to shavin' body hair
Down front and off me back
Seems every time I did
Logging greenies go on attack

So enthusiastic was I
That I started up a club
And the only members allowed
Were from retirement homes and pubs

Where we held our swim meets
It was muddy where we swam
It had to be Olympic size
So we dug out the old dam

Our starting blocks were wooden crates
We rescued from the fire
Our lanes ropes were just some second hand
Part roll used barb wire

To get to swim in regionals
Down in Sydney was the meet
If I swam me fastest
Only me dog (The club champion) to beat

It didn't take too long
For the word to get round here
About the new club champion
Who shaved off all his hair

Of all the lady swimmers
I'm partial to that Suzie O'Neal
She's got a body built for swimmin'
I'd really like a fee...

JEEZ, didya see that
That Suzies a swimmin' kind
With me sprintin up beside the pool
She still left me way behind

I didn't want an interview
Poolside with a bald Neil Brooks
People may think we're brothers
And he's inherited me good looks

At the starting blocks in Sydney
Loosen up, shake up the nerves
Glancing left and right
Where my eyes began to swerve

On my left was Michael Klim
Ian Thorpe there on my right
And me stuck in the middle
I tell ya, what a sight

I could see just by me presence
They felt the pressure racing in me heat
I could taste a victory
While they both smelled defeat

See, I had a secret weapon
A back-up plan in store
Last night I carbo-loaded with baked beans
Must have been 30 cans or more

Now Klim kept adjusting his speedos
He jiggled and jostled within
You see, concealed down his cossies
His gameboy was hidden in

His sponsors viewed the video
Sent a letter of urgency, he must
Remove his gameboy from his speedos
It's showing signs of rust

Now Ian's nicknamed Thorpedoe
But I'll give you ladies the rub
I've been on the blocks beside him
He's more like a midget sub

Now we're off the blocks and racing
Me arms thrashin' away for home
No-one's even near me
The secret weapon's making foam

I was the only one who touched the wall
I knew that I had won
The lane judge just looked down at me
He said, "You'd better listen son"

"You've just been disqualified my boy
For finishing a false start"
"What you thought was the starters gun
Was your own bloody fart"

I didn't make the Olympics
So I hung up me swimmin' jocks
But folks round here still speak of the local legend
Who left 'em standing on the block!

Copyright; Mick Fleming
Email: mickmental@hotmail.com