Miss Fishwick's Office Blues

Just a tiny reminder Miss Fishwick
Our meeting's arranged for half three
And I need you to give Mrs Collins a ring
And tell her just where I won't be
Don't mention that you're in the meeting
Stay calm and aloof from afar
And when she complains about me being late
Just remind her what paid for the car

Well isn't this cosy Miss Fishwick?
It's a shame that it's just you and I
But it gives us the chance to have that long chat
And give office relations a try
Could you fancy a drop of red vino?
I hope you don't mind this old mug
The glasses all went at the last Christmas bash
I think you were off sick with some bug

Could I ask a small favour Miss Fishwick
Cos I'm sure the wife's spot-on your size
Though she isn't as young and she's not got blonde hair
And she doesn't have lovely blue eyes
But I've bought her some racy red undies
Janet Reger, a fine piece o' kit
Could you just pop 'em on and then give us a twirl?
Cos I need to be sure that they'll fit

Oh don't leave the office Miss Fishwick
Or you'll have me dragged over the coals
Look, I've borrowed this Japanese video cam
Why not help me to suss the controls?
No, you don't need your clothes on, that's silly
Cos it's really quite warm for mid-May
And it seems if I press on this button right here
I can zoom up and down all the way

Now I know I'm a nuisance Miss Fishwick
But your body is just so sublime
And I know all the others went home dead on five
But I promise you'll get double time
Could you push out your bum like a pin-up?
That's perfect, now give me a wink
And show off that chest like you do when you're drunk
See, it's not quite as hard as you think

Oh you should be in pictures Miss Fishwick
Fulfilling I think that you'll find
But you really must work with an artist
Not some pervert with muck on his mind
I've a very large part if you fancy
Your talents should not go to waste
The new project's called 'Cleaners Off Duty'
It's a beacon of class and good taste

I don't think you'll regret this Miss Fishwick
In fact it could well change your life
Now leave on those nice Janet Regers
And I'll get something cheap for the wife
No there isn't a script, not to speak of
You can make it all up as you go
But be sure to yell 'go for it big boy'
And that's pretty much all you need know

Could you answer the door please Miss Fishwick?
It's Frank from McCartney and Hicks
Aways wanted to be in the movies
So I said we'd be here about six
Frank, I'm so glad you could make it
Miss Fishwick you'll soon get to know
So don't hang about get your pants off
And lets get this road on the show

What a splendid manoeuvre Miss Fishwick
That's well worth a close-up I'm sure
But Frank can you please take your socks off
This is art, not a pile of manure
Now I'd like you both up on the cupboards
While I get a wide shot from behind
And yes, it's quite natural Miss Fishwick
And I'm certain your boyfriend won't mind

Let's do the big finish Miss Fishwick
Frank, it's the one we discussed
Just grip the appliance at an angle like this
And Miss Fishwick you'll just have to trust
Now Frank, set the motor to 'quiet'
And the suction to just below one
OK let me check that mi focusing's right
Yes it is. Miss Fishwick switch on

Could you fetch the first aid box Miss Fishwick?
Your whinging Frank, try to refrain
Here, rub on some cream till the ambulance comes
I'm sure it'll help ease the pain
Yes, I've switched off the Hoover, don't wriggle
This tubing just needs a slight nudge
Now just grit your teeth while I get a firm hold
No, I'm sorry, the bugger won't budge

Can you come down the station Miss Fishwick?
Yes, I know that I put you through Hell
But if you'll just ask for Inspector McGee
He'll bring you straight through to my cell
I think I'll get bail by the weekend
Cos the vice squad are somewhat confused
They can't quite work out why you were unharmed
While Frank got all swollen and bruised

You're a genius, you know that Miss Fishwick?
Believe me, you really are smart
Leaving the video cam running like that
And convincing the jury it's art
Then you go and sell two million copies
And the Turner Prize drops in your lap
Crack open that bubbly Miss Fishwick
Let's drink to the next load of crap

Copyright; Steve Morris
Email: steve@howlingdog.info
Web Site: http://www.howlingdog.info