Introduction

Imagine... one minute you're standing there with your dibber in your hand... the next, you're arrested for sexual harassment!!!

Ode to a Sun-Bather

It was sometime last year that it happened
A hot, balmy day in late May.
I lie!... it must have been August
'Cos the wife and the kids were away.

I was thinking I'd go in the garden
And potter about in the veg'
Or maybe I'd tidy the borders
And possibly trim back the hedge.

So I'm standing there minding my business
Surveying the state of the lawn
When I happened to notice the woman next door
Nude!... as the day she was born.

At that precise moment, she happened to turn
As she reached for her tube of sun-cream,
And seeing me standing not twelve foot away
She let out a blood-curdling scream...

"You dirty old bugger!" she ranted
Can women not sunbathe in peace?
Is no woman safe from old Peeping Toms?
Okay!... well I'm calling the police!"

They gave me a right dressing down when they came
No matter how much I protested.
"We've had blokes like you at the station before,
Once more... and we'll have you arrested!"

The following week, it was sunny again
And I'm sitting there all on my own.
So I peeped through the curtains, just to make sure
That the woman next door wasn't home.

There was nobody out in the garden
'Gone into town I suppose!'
So grabbing the lounger from out of the shed,
I quickly stripped off... all my clothes.

So I'm lying there, gently baking
All covered in sun-tanning cream
When all of a sudden... from the garden next door
I heard that familiar scream!

"You dirty old bugger!" she ranted
"Can women not garden in peace?
Is no woman safe from a flasher like you?
Okay... well I'm calling the police!"

Copyright; Paul Wilkinson
Email: paul@monologues.co.uk
Web Site: http://www.monologues.co.uk