Introduction

It's what you put into a the fermenter that detrmains what comes out of the bottle and if you get it wrong you will suffer the rath of all who drink it.

Smudges Recipe

From the other side of my back fence , wafts the fimular smell of home made brew,
Some times it enlightens the senses other times it would make you spew,
And then I catch the sweet, sweet smell of home made chocolate fudge
Made by Marge, she's the loving wife of the brewer, my mate SMUDGE.

Well smudge and I go way, way back, back to our teenage years
When we caught the brewing bug and started making beer,
Back then, the only way to make it was to boil up the hops,
We made some delightful brews, but more then often, they were flops.

Like the time we made a brew using a double dose of yeast
Unknown to us, we had created a monster, a very nasty beast,
We stored them in smudges bedroom, in the corner beside his dresser,
In the hot humid days that followed they began to fester.

While cleaning up his room, smudges mum detects a hissing sound
On investigation finds it coming from a discarded clothing mound,
After pulling off the camouflage, sees the stash stacked in the corner,
He didn't think she'd find it, so he didn't think to warn her.

She mutters to her self "Oh Smudge for goodness sake"
Then mindlessly picks up a bottle and gives a little shake,
The blast was catatonic, causing a domino effect
When the smoke and froth had cleared, smudges room was completely wrecked

After five days of intensive care her hearing had returned
The cuts and bruises healed in time, a relief to all concerned,
Smudges brewing days were over by his mothers stern decree,
But now all these years have passed and he's moved next door to me

Well, I came to my senses and I give the game away,
But smudge, he's still got the bug and brews to this very day,
Still trying to invent the perfect brew, with his secret recipe,
And to get an unbiased opinion he tries them out on me.

These blokes who use those pre packed 'JUST ADD WATER' kits haven't got a clue,
Smudges theory is, you have to make from scratch to produce a decent brew,
But in following this theory he gets himself into all kinds of strife,
And finding that perfect brew has consumed his prethetic little life.

Remember 'Marge', smudges loyal and devoted wife,
Through loneliness and boredom has a completely separate life,
She's into breeding horses and her total joy and pride,
Is a fifteen year old gelding on which she learned to ride.

Old trigger is getting on in years, and is not your pinup horse,
And on vets advice Marge has put him on an equine steroids course,
Two teaspoons is the daily dose that Marge gives dear old trigger,
Being granular and shiny white it looks some what like sugar.

Another batch is on it's way, smudge is on a quest,
Boiling hops, weighing malt all with great fieriness,
Measuring out the yeast, adding fresh water from the tap,
Time to add the sugar, he hasn't got a scrap.

Now smudge is on a mission, in jeopardy is all his toil,
If he doesn't add the sugar fast the hops and yeast will spoil,
He rushes to the kitchen, finds a bag on the pantry stand,
Smudge quickly reads the label 'EQUINE PRODUCTS LTD'
Must be one of those fancy new generic brands.

Smudge, have you seen the horse's medicine? Na haven't got a clue,
Came the answer as he washed the bottles out that would hold his latest brew,
Well Marge she searched for hours, am I going mad? she asked herself,
I'm sure I left the bloody stuff on the pantry shelf.

"This is my best brew yet" in his mind Smudge has no doubt,
It's going to have quiet a punch, it keeps blowing the air lock out,
The bottles are like little missiles with a war head made of yeast,
Almost as good as the scuds used in the middle east.

The day has come to test the brew so a party is set in motion,
A good excuse for the neighbours to try his latest potion,
So all the street has gathered to try out smudges brew of brews,
Totally unaware they would make the national news.

They nibbled chips and chewed on steak and drank all smudges ale,
By end of night those who weren't passed out were looking mighty pale,
And the under lying demon, old triggers steroid booster mix,
Was yet to take it's hold and weave it's evil tricks.

The fly's that joined the B.B.Q. to sip up all the dregs,
Soon had wings like tomcat fighters and walked on mike Tyson legs,
And the ants who were partial to the occasional drop of grog,
Had given up on stealing crumbs and kidnapped the family dog.

The doctors surgery was over run with Smudges guests all looking for relief,
What the doctor saw before him was just beyond belief,
Like sparrow Johnson, who all his life had never grown a chest,
Presented to the doc' a set of D cup breasts.

Sam and Beryl Rosenthorn who failed with I.V.F. to increase their family odds,
Imurged from the doctors room to announce they were having Quads,
Now young Sketta Anderson who's family jewels never rated mention,
Gives the girls he dates these days a case of nervous tension.
And Little Prudance Valentine voted virgin of the year,
Was found in the football locker room with a grin from ear to ear.

The supreme court judge read out the list of symptoms some to odd to name,
Then ordered Smudge to get a life and give up the brewing game,
So next time you have a back yard bash and you lite the B.B.Q.
Make sure it was sugar you put in your home made brew.

Copyright; Lindsay Steinhardt
Email: uteman202@hotmail.com.au