The Barber From Hell

When I walked into the Barber Shop, the Barber was a different gent
I saw the sign on the wall which read "Under New Management"
Well, this Barber was built like an out-house, he looked rough and he looked hard
He had arms like a bloody Wharfie, and a head like Brute Bernard

"You don't look like a Barber," I said, "You sure you know how to cut hair?"
He said, "I'm a qualified Shearer mate, now get in that bloody chair!"
So who was I to argue with a six-foot monster like him
Thus I sat myself in his Barber's chair and said, "Just give me a trim."

But he hurled me out of the chair and roared, "I only do one sort of cut!"
Then he trapped me into a headlock, and took the shears to my nut!
Me head was shorn like a bloody sheep, then he started on me chest
Under me arms and up me back, then he started on the rest.

He made some nasty flesh wounds, which were certain to leave their scar
But he dug into a bucket and slapped on a handful of tar!
I was screaming blue-bloody murder! I roared, "Let me go, you scum!"
But he threw me onto my stomach, and shaved all the hairs off my bum

Then he took ten bucks from my wallet, and then took a few bob more
Picked me up by the scruff of me neck and hurled me out the back door!
I lay there bald and freezing, then glanced around to see
Ten more totally shaven blokes all lying there next to me

"He's a rough as guts bloody Barber!" I said, understating the fact
"I've got a good mind to march back in and ask for me ten quid back!"
But the others all lay there fearful, saying "The worst is yet to come.
He's coming back shortly to crutch us, and to clip all the dags from our bum!!!

Copyright; Neil McArthur
from the book 'Tragic Tales from the Thong Factory'
Email: macpoet@iprimus.com.au