Introduction

Of all the accents among the peoples of the world, one of my very favourite is Indian. So it was that I had to tell the story of a poor gentleman who had travelled from Calcutta to the Woodford Folk Festival, but found ill-fortune with a certain product he had purchased at the supplies store.

Here's this poem performed live by Mark Feldman

The Indian And The Paper

At the Folk Fest' in Woodford,
In the store, whilst buying butter,
I met this Indian bloke,
Who came in from Calcutta.

He asked of the shopkeeper,
When at the counter he did stop,
"Do you have toilet paper,
Here in your lovely shop?"

"Yes, I have lots of brands,
On my shelves, mate, look right here.
I have Softly's and I have Sorbent."
But he said, "Oh no, too dear!"

"I need the most inexpensive,
That you have in your store,
For I come from Calcutta,
And I am very, very poor."

"Yes, I think I can accommodate you,"
The shopkeeper then did say,
"I have No-Name brand paper,
And it's real cheap, mate, eh !"

He said, "Oh, that will be the one,
I am very pleased to see,
Give to me your No-Name paper,
And I'll take it home with me."

But alas, just three days later,
He came back in a fit,
"Here, take back your John Wayne paper,
I am bloody sick of it!"

"No, hang on mate, settle down,
It's not John Wayne, you see,
This is No-Name toilet paper,
That you've given back to me."

"Oh, no, you are very wrong,"
The Calcutta man replied,
"This is John Wayne paper,
That you sold to me" he cried.

"For I swear by my elephants,
And on the Bible of the Gideons,
It is rough, and it is tough,
And it takes no shit off Indians !!"

Copyright; Mark Feldman
From his book 'Visions of the Quill'