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The Pap Smear

Excuse me! - excuse me! - excuse me!!!
Yes it was that T.V. commercial that said...Pap Smears are the answer,
Have one now, get one quick, and you won't get cervical cancer.

So I toddles off to the doctor, I've never had one before,
So when he said to take off me nickers, I wonders, what ever for.
Then he orders me up on a couch, ties me up by my knees,
A cold breeze went right up my arse, and my fanny began to sneeze.
He produces a metal instrument, covered all over in jell,
He said "I'm going to insert this inside you, if it hurts just give me a yell."

Next he twiddled a knob, - not his,
To make it open up wide - the metal thing,
Then he took out a torch and he had a good look inside.
After, he turned to his trolley, said he'd be back in a tick,
Now can you imagine my horror when he returned with a lollypop stick.
Oh I thought these doctors, are getting kinkier by far,
Do you know what he did with his lollypop stick, before he put it into a jar.

Well that was when tragedy struck us, I kicked and I bucked and I winced,
And the doctor slipped from the foot of the bed, and we haven't seen him since.
His boots was all that was left of him, left at the foot of my bed,
With his name written on cardboard, just above my head.
Oh well, they bury those pharos in pyramids, nobles in great marble tombs,
But I've got some flaming gynecologist, buried somewhere in my womb

Copyright; Jacqueline H Bridle



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