Introduction

Sort of a true story this one. One day the local parish priest died and the funeral was held at Canterbury Cathedral and was ordained over by none other than the Arch Bishop of Canterbury himself. The cathedral was packed full of priests, clergymen, nuns, monks and all manner of god's servants.

Even though there was a choir and an organist it was decided to play a track from one of the dead priest's favourite albums at which point everyone was asked to kneel and offer a prayer to their dearly departed comrade. Just as the record started and the congregation rose, the needle skipped across the record and promptly threw everyone into turmoil.

At this point, the younger priests were all kneeling, the middle aged ones, standing and the older ones were half seated. The curate immediate returned the needle to the beginning of the record but it once again skipped across. NOW, all the young priests were half kneeling, half standing, the middle aged ones were half standing, half kneeling and the older ones just about stood upright.

The curate tried a couple more times before the Arch Bishop finally called a stop to it. By then, most of my colleagues were outside and you could hear their laughter echoing down the pews of the church!

Ups and Downs

The old priest died and left the world
His family mourned the loss
The church was full of priests and nuns
Praying at the cross

His last request was for a song
A solemn psalm to God
They placed the record on the deck
And the Bishop gave a nod

As soon as the music started
They rose and knelt to pray
But the record was so old and dusty
It refused to play

And, instead, it skipped a b, b, beat
To the bemusement of the vicars
Who all stood, then knelt, then stood
Up and down like a prostitute's knickers

The Bishop stood with mouth agog
As they were genuflexing up and down
At one point they started a Mexican wave
At which the Lord God, he did frown

The skies they roared, the clouds did part
And lightening struck the record player
So finally, they settled down
Thank God and said a prayer!

Copyright; Paul Bearer
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