Introduction

A hilarious story about sinister snowmen and child psychology. 'every continent filled with urine stained pants, a smelly assembly of primary school brats'

Wonderful Mr Snowman

The snow fell so swiftly that no-one could see,
like fog it descended that fine christmas eve,
And whispers of wonders through every child's mind
flew like the wind, as they ventured outside.

'Good lord, it's a mountain of freezing cold sugar!'
claimed one naive child, bemused by his shudder.
'Not sugar but salt' theorised one skinny lad,
this was obviously the first white christmas he'd had

Angus was laughing, he knew all along
that all his young peers were entirely wrong
'No my dear friends, this stuff here is snow,
not sugar or salt, but sweet H2O'

The children stood stunned by this new revelation.
'You mean, freezing cold water's consuming our nation?'
'Aye' laughed young Angus 'That's perfectly right!'
and with that he started a huge snowball fight

At first all the children were laughing with glee
but soon the chill factor was evidently
taking it's toll on the workforce of youth
as slowly their virginous faces turned blue.

For numb hands is one thing it has to be said,
but what happens next when it reaches your head?
Their brains slowly freezing, they lost all control
a devious plan with a devious goal.

As all adults know, snow is really a ploy
to make all of our children a snowman's new toy!
That's why every christmas wherever you are
you'll see children constructing not a boat or a car
but a plain looking man with a big button nose
devoid of all features, no fingers or toes!

How then, you ask, do the snowmen get built
when we know every year that the sun makes them wilt?
Once perished you'd think that they would remain dead
but it's time now to wipe that thought from your head.

For every year, when winter sets in
and the white clouds of yuletide slowly begin
to fall on the land, releasing their snow
so comes their voices falling below

'Make me a body!' 'Design me a face!'
demands the cruel work masters stating their case.
At first all the children are strong to resist
but brain freeze destroys as the chill will persist.

So numb and mindless from hours in the cold,
they'll struggle forever, or as long as they're told.
For creating a snowman is not fun to do
it's no game you play, it's the game that plays you!

The plan was to gain control of the earth
and to show all mankind how much they were worth.
not seasonal statues that come once a year
but powerful masters that instigate FEAR!

So they forced all the children to build them a mob
of icy young soldiers that would do the job
of enforcing the world to bow to their will
and if they would not, they would then have to kill.

Now Angus like all the young children around
had been caught in enslavement since the snow hit the ground
but mindless or not, certain things are a fact
when kids need to pee, they just pee, that is that.

So brain dead and numb , young Angus let go
without much thought to soiling his clothes
and as the warm nectar ran down his leg
a peculiar sensation began in his head..

'What am I doing and why am I here?'
Silently questions began to appear
and clarity came and the numbness did go
as the steam reached his head from pee hitting the snow.

'AAhhhh' screamed the snowman on which Angus was working
the pee was now spreading and obviously hurting.
Awake from his slumber, Angus looked down
At the featureless monster half built on the ground.

'Get back to work!' yelled the headless snowman
but Angus now free, swiftly thought up a plan.
What he did next happened so very quick
he destroyed the young snowman with one hefty kick.

He looked far and wide at all of his friends
Who were still forced to work for the Snow-people's ends
So deep in his lungs he began to prepare
For the volume of words that would soon fill the air

'I need the toilet!!' he shouted aloud
and it fell on the ears of the entire crowd
of children that stood, forming more and more snow
into battle dressed snow-soldiers raring to go.

It would seem a peculiar thing to shout out.
There's no reason, you ask, what's that all about?
But if you relax and become like an infant
You'll see it's not crazy or stupid, just different

For regardless of whether they need it or not,
If a peer says those words, kids have suddenly got
a desire to pee that they no longer hide
and they cannot retain any liquid inside.

So they simply release, and they let out their load.
and they don't really care wherever it goes.
So it runs down their leg and collects at their feet
A puddle of pee and a parental's treat.

Like wildfire the shouting spread through the world
Little children uniting each boy and each girl
To purge planet earth from the icy cold grip
Of the snow covered madness that was threatening it.

Every continent covered with urine stained pants
A smelly assembly of primary school brats
Unaware of the danger they'd narrowly missed
All the children walked home in the trousers they'd .....soiled

This story explains why when kids pee their pants
they're not trying to offend or to make parents rant.
On the contrary they're just making sure that it's true
that there are no more snowmen! They're protecting you!

So next time the world is under attack
When you fear for your life and your future looks black
Just think back to Angus and don't be afraid
Go on, pee your pants, you might save the day!

Copyright; Paul Kent
Email: paulkent@email.com